I love Saturdays.
On Saturdays I can rest, I can sleep in, I can just be. Its a gift, literally a gift God gave us to relax, to enjoy ourselves, to focus on Him.
So this morning, while it was still dark in my room (thanks to TheVWM who bought us some kick ass thick curtains from IKEA), I was laying in bed reflecting on this entire summer, the work team season. I was thinking about all the groups we had helping us, all the work we did, all the faces, the laughter, the joy, all the good, but it was not always good.
We experienced hardships, set backs, failures, and then something hit me, hard,
I suck at this!
Missionaries, like the Pope, are supposed to be perfect. They are, as you well know, the Rock Stars of the Christian world. Missionaries are folks that take advantage of every moment to pray. Missionaries never doubt, I mean, really, if you TRULY have faith can you ever doubt? Missionaries are humble to a fault, giving all the credit to God. Missionaries never get tired, they never get pissed, they never want to hide in a closet until the work team leaves for the states.
Missionaries are well, PERFECT, and I'm not.
So here is my confession, nothing too gritty, just hear me out.
I don't pray without ceasing. As a matter of fact, sometimes, the only time I pray is before meals, when "it" hits the fan, and during my quiet time. To be 100% honest, since I am confessing here, sometimes my quiet time is my drive in to work, or part of it. Super spiritual, huh? Although, I do find myself doing a lot of thanking God, especially when He bails my ass out.
I doubt. I have doubted the effectiveness of my ministry, my abilities, my decisions, even the reason we are here. Sometimes the doubt is so strong, I feel like running to the airport and bailing out of here. This doubt, as faithless as it is, does have the tendency to bring me back to a place of dependency on Him and often reminds me to pray, but doubt is doubt. Doubt is NOT for the missionary!
I am not all that humble and often I do things to show how great I am, or simply to feel needed. I love to hear compliments about my work, my spanish skills, my "incredible insight" into scripture. I may say something like, "Oh, its nothing.", or "I just want to serve Him.", which at times is true, but more often then I care to admit, I am just doing it so you will say how great I am.
Oh yeah, almost always, even though I say that it was only by His strength/power/will that I could do whatever, deep inside, deep where Steve "is", I KNOW the only reason it got done was because I am so, well, awesome.
I get tired. There are days when I would rather take the day off than to work. At times I am at work in body only my brain is at home with TheVWM, or at the beach, or slicing into a delicious Joe's steak with a side order of Railroad Camp Shrimp. You may even find me working, but a little slower than I should. Don't let me forget the times I can't see doing ANYTHING, anything at all. Guess it makes it hard to give all the glory to God when you don't even want to do the job at all, huh?
I get mad, well, I am not sure if mad is a strong enough word. Lets be honest, I get pissed, you know, red-faced, veins-bulging, heart-pounding, spit-flying pissed. At times I want to strangle EVERYONE, metaphorically speaking of course. Please don't call my pastor and tell him I am on some sort of homicidal rampage, cuz I'm not. I just mean, there are moments when its probably better if you leave, understand? I don't think I need to expand on that because I think it happens to everyone, but I'm a missionary and doesn't happen to us, does it?
So there it is, I am not the superstar you thought I was. I am just a guy willing to serve, and why?