Thursday, June 16, 2011

ask me later

A couple of weeks ago I broke down and asked for some help.  I solicited all of you to help maintain this blog by doing a little guest posting and I must say I had a lot more takers than I would have ever guessed so if you have not yet heard back from me, just wait.

Anyway, it was a bit difficult picking the first guest slot until I rolled over in bed and my lovely bride, some of you know her as JamieTVWM, offered to scratch something out for me.  

To be honest, I was excited to have a blogger of her status posting on my site, grateful for the help, and honored that she would take some time out of her schedule for me.  Truth is, I don't tell her enough, but I am very proud of her.

So, enjoy.
ecwrites

I hesitate to even bring this up.

But we’re all friends here, right? I mean, I can talk to you, can’t I?

Since the internet is obviously a “safe place” where one can truly bare their soul without fear of scrutiny or judgment, I’m just gonna go ahead and throw this out there…

El Chupacabra and I are at an impasse. There’s a glitch in our marital matrix.

We keep having the same conversation over and over, making the same remarks and coming to the same conclusions. It’s getting kinda weird.

It started in December when my husband got all emotional over one of our friends giving away his grown daughter at her wedding. That’s when the “Would you deny me a daughter?” conversation started. 
He waxed sentimental about how he would never have all those father/daughter experiences and I was like, “Too bad, so sad, let’s go get burritos!” And he was like, “Why don’t we have a daughter?” and I was all, “Um. I think because your ‘boys’ only make boys. And, besides, you had a vas-snippity over a decade ago.” So then he goes, “Well why don’t we adopt?” And then I was like, 

“No.”

And so for the past 6 months this subject has found its way into our everyday conversations - And it ends the same way every time. We talk about all the pros and cons, and I tell him how we have, like, NO money, and how we have NO room, and how we’re really crappy parents and don’t deserve more kids, and how I really like that we’re seriously on the verge of becoming those ultra-young, tragically hip grandparents that you see getting their grandbabies Chinese zodiac symbols tattooed the backs of their arms while they smoke a pipe. And then he says “So you would deny me a daughter?” and I say “Yup.”

And I knoooooow this makes me a cold, heartless, mean, selfish, JERK of a woman. But that’s where I’m at.

I love, love, love kids. And I love adoption. I do. But I also remember quite clearly how much work kids are when they’re small. They are needy little creatures. And they smell icky. And they’re hands are always covered in goop. And I just started wearing white jeans again. Minor detail.

Anyway.

To be perfectly blunt, these last few years in Costa Rica have left me worn out, and kind of disabled. This isn’t intended to sound whiny or dramatic, but sometimes I can barely get through a day without wanting to…die. (Ok. Maybe that was a little dramatic.) But the point is, I really, truly think that a small child would push me over the crazy-edge.

That said, I’m changing my answer. I have loved every second of being a mother (Shhhh! That’s a lie that Moms tell when they think their kids might read their blog – but I have loved a bunch of the seconds of Motherhood I’ve experienced.) And I have loved being the mother of sons. And I think that given the right circumstances, it would be a joy to raise another baby should we be fortunate enough to have the opportunity. Even a girl baby.

I just can’t do it now. And I mean that. I can’t.

So next time El Chupacabra asks me if I would deny him a daughter, I’ll tell him the truth – I’ll say, “Ask me later.” And I might be thinking ,“…like when I’m 40.”

But if, in the meantime, you want to pray for us – for the money and the space and the not-so-major change of heart – as we continue this conversation, we’d both be super appreciative… and so would our someday daughter.
.… …. ….
Have you ever considered adopting? Is there something holding you back? 


Now here is the awkward part since most of you were brought here by TVWM, but if by chance you happen to read my blog and have never checked out whats else she has to say you can follow her at:

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